Irreverent Mama

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Okay, a confession: I am kinda loud. I can tone it down when need be, but if I don't have to, I'm happier. I figure I have to when we have house guests. Or now that my kids are teenagers, and likely to a) be awake when we're indulging, and b) know just what it is they're hearing. So these days I'm quiet a lot...


So my brother and his new bride stay over one night a few years back. My brother being oh, forty or so, and his bride a mere 26. This is not the oo-la-la coup for him you might think: they're both pretty homely folk, and the "bride", despite her masters degree in Women's Studies, looks and talks like a middle-aged small-town 1950's woman: broad in the beam and narrow in the mind. (Oh, nasty. But really, it's true.)

So they're spending the night. My brother has annoyed me all evening by his unctuous uxoriousness. (Pretty good, huh?? I didn't even have to look those up! But you can, if you want, down at the bottom of this page.) It's really quite nauseating, as much because I know, I just know, he's doing it to show off as the actual display he's putting on. "Look! I have a WIFE! Look at me! I'm being a HUSBAND! And we're so IN LOVE!!" Okay, so he was 39 before he married, he's probaby still amazed it happened at all - I know my mother and my sister certainly are - but enough with the showing off already. "Honey, dear, darlin', pookey, lovebug." Bleah. Oh, and the play-fighting. That can stop, too. The pretend hits and the 'loving' name-calling and the wriggling and the shrieking. On my couch, four feet away. Ick.

Off we go to bed. And they start making out. Squeaking bedframes and creaking floors I can ignore, because they're unavoidable in our old house, but the noises... They're in the NEXT ROOM. Is he still showing off--"Oh, look! I'm MARRIED! I have a WIFE! We have SEX!!"--or is he really that stupid? Could be either.

After ten minutes of "oh, babies" and "mm, yeses" and gasps and sighs and more shrieks and giggles, I nudge my sweetie. We could just hammer on the wall, I suppose. We could just put in ear plugs. But revenge is sweeter. So, sitting on the edge of the bed and facing the adjoining wall, I fake - just like Meg Ryan - a spectacular orgasm.

Sudden and complete silence from the other side.

No eye contact at breakfast the next day.

They've never slept over since. Bwah-ha...

Unctuous: adj : unpleasantly and excessively suave or ingratiating in manner or speech (Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University)

Uxoriousness: excessively devoted to one's wife; excessive fondness. (

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  • Oh, I think you and I are going to be great friends. I like your style.

    By Blogger MsSisyphus, at 9:42 p.m.  

  • YOU are soooooo damn funny. Hee-hee-hee. So glad I found you.

    By Blogger Litegrl, at 2:10 a.m.  

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