This was an ad that appeared beside one of the messages in my gmail:

$26 Mama Spanx Pantyhose
Free shipping. Great prices on Mama Spanx maternity pantyhose.
www.breakoutbras.com

Now, this is weird on so many levels. The mind reels with questions.

Who wears pantyhose when they don't have to? Who'd go to special trouble to find them at a time in their lives when they had an easy out?

"Of course I'd normally not be so casual for an occasion like this Mr. Important Client, but it's so hard to find pantyhose to fit when you're..."

"As big as a house?"

"Indeed."

Moreover, these pantyhose don't have feet - don't have much below the knee, really - so you can "wear any style shoe." So, if I read this correctly, you can have the pleasure of wearing pantyhose that NO ONE CAN SEE. No one but YOU will ever know you have the uncomfortable, sweaty, constricting items on your person. No one but YOU will ever know how damned awkward the things are to put on when you're 138 months pregnant and a gazillion pounds heavier than normal.

You would do this, why?

Next question:

"MamaSpanx"? Who? Daddy? The kids? The monkey?

And finally:

"Breakout bras?" Is it just me, or isn't that contrary to the whole intent of a bra? The minute my bras start letting the girls break out, they are out of service. Instantly. Well, maybe I wait till I'm home first. Or maybe I just head immediately to La Vie. 'Breakout bras'. I ask ya.

Weird.